Below you will find Prince’s research excerpts titled, “14a – Stuart Matis.” You can view other topics here.
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14a – Stuart Matis
1809, 3117:
“Dear Editor:
I am gay. I am also LDS. My first same-sex attraction occurred when I was seven, and for the next 25 years, I have never been attracted to women. I realized the significance of my sexuality when I was around thirteen, and for the next two decades, I traveled down a tortuous path of internalized homophobia, immense self-hatred, depression and suicidal thoughts. Despite the calluses on my knees, frequent trips to the temple, fasts and devotion to my mission and church callings such as elders’ quorum president, I continually failed to attenuate my homosexuality.
I came out last year. My bishop and my father each gave me a blessing inspired by the spirit that proclaimed that I was indeed gay and that I would remain gay. Thus, I read a recent letter to the editor with great regret. The author compared my friends and me to murderers, Satanists, prostitutes, pedophiles and partakers of bestiality. Imagine having to live with this rhetoric constantly being spewed at you.
My aunt is a psychiatrist in Ogden and has worked with over 1,000 gay Latter-day Saints. Because of her work with these church members, she has been forced by necessity to specialize in homosexuality, depression and suicide.
I implore the students at BYU to re-assess their homophobic feelings. Seek to understand first before you make comments. We have the same needs as you. We desire to love and be loved. We desire to live our lives with happiness. We are not a threat to you or your families. We are your sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, neighbors, co-workers and friends, and most importantly, we are all children of God.” (Stuart Matis, “Letter to the editor: Don’t stereotype gay people,” BYU NewsNet, February 21, 2000)
707:
“On the morning of 25 February, after leaving a suicide note on his bed, Stuart Matis commits suicide on the grounds of a Mormon chapel in Los Altos. Police find him there at 7:36 am after his parents find the note. While the suicide note does not cite the LDS church’s efforts against Proposition 22, a long letter that he wrote describes his struggles as a gay Mormon, and his opposition to the church’s efforts supporting the Proposition. In his letter at the web page above, Stuart writes, ‘The church has no idea that as I type this letter, there are surely boys and girls on their calloused knees imploring God to free themselves from this pain. They hate themselves. They retire to bed with their finger pointed to their head in the form of a gun. The church’s involvement in the Knight Initiative will only add to the great pain suffered by these young gay Mormons.’” (David Combe compilation, February 25, 2000)
710:
“Robert Rees, a former bishop of a single adult ward in California, addresses a meeting of Family Fellowship, on 26 February, a support group for LDS families with gay and lesbian family members in Utah. Using a pseudonym, he quotes extensively from conversations he had with a gay Mormon man, describing that man’s struggles, and the impact on him of the church’s efforts on behalf of Proposition 22. Rees’s central message, as summarized by several posters who attended the meeting and shared their notes on e-mail lists was, ”that God would rather have [us] alive than dead, that God would rather have [us] happy than miserable, and that God loves [us] unconditionally.” [From a typeset of the talk I received later.] The tragic irony is that one of the young men whose conversations with him Rees describes is Stuart Matis [see 25 February], who has, unknown to Rees, committed suicide days before [one day before] his presentation at Family Fellowship.” (David Combe compilation, February 26, 2000)
3020:
“In a letter he wrote sometime before his suicide, he told his cousin exactly how dejected he felt as a result of his church’s efforts to block state recognition of gay and lesbian unions.
He wrote, ‘I read online that the Church had instructed the Bishops to read a letter imploring the members to give of their time and money to support {CA Proposition 22, the Limit on Marriage Initiative}. I almost went into a panic attack. I cried for hours in my room, and I could do very little to console the grief of hearing this news.’” Now we grieve at hearing the news of his suicide, which seems to be a consequence of the LDS Church’s anti-gay policies and campaign.…
In the wake of Stuart’s symbolic sacrifice, LDS Church leaders have a responsibility to reflect on the implications of their campaign and to acknowledge the consequences of their condemnation. They must question whether they are willing to risk the loss of even one more innocent life for the sake of their politics, and answer for themselves whether they are still justified in their crusade against same-sex marriage.” (Frank Morris Susa, “The Consequences of Condemnation,” Pillar of the Gay and Lesbian Community, March 2000, p. 8)
3020:
“The suicide on Friday, February 25 of Stuart Matis at a Los Altos Mormon church has devastated his family and friends. According to the gay man’s father, his son’s suicide has not altered his support of Proposition 22, the so-called Defense of Marriage Initiative.
‘I hold the Church’s definition of marriage,’ said Fred Matis and called the rhetoric by opponents of Proposition 22 ‘irrelevant.’” (Chris Rizo, “Gay Mormon Man Commits Suicide on Church Steps,” Pillar of the Gay and Lesbian Community, March 2000, p. 8)
1673:
“He was thirty-two years old before he told his parents about the cross he had carried since age seven. He had been certain that with obedience and faith his attraction for the same gender would pass–at age twelve when he was ordained to the priesthood, as most Mormon boys are–then when he received his patriarchal blessing–then when he attended the temple for the first time–then when he went on a mission. Surely God would approve of his life now and work for him the miracle of becoming normal, taking away the torment of his homosexual feelings.
Of course.
He fasted and prayed and he went to the temple every week. He wept as night after night he prayed until morning, begging and pleading with a God he knew could help him if he was only worthy enough. As a child he would deny himself a favorite television program as punishment for a homosexual thought, or he wouldn’t allow himself to attend a friend’s birthday party.
Of course.
His mother wrote:
Stuart’s entire life was spent striving for perfection. He reasoned that if he were perfect, then he would find God’s approval. His efforts became a never-ending cycle: effort–perceived failure–effort–perceived failure. The harder Stuart strove for perfection, the more he hated himself….he believed that he not only could change, but should change. When no change in his feelings occurred, no matter how hard he worked at it, he came to the conclusion that he was not worthy and that God did not accept his efforts. His self-loathing became…intense….Once Stuart said to me, “Mother, all my life I have tried to do what is right. I just can’t pass the test.”
Of course.
In the suicide note that Stuart left on his bed that morning, along with love and appreciation to his family, were the words “….I am free, I am no longer in pain, and I no longer hate myself…..my life was actually killed long ago.”
Stuart’s bishop, with whom he had been counseling for months, aware of his suicidal thoughts, had pled with him, “Stuart, if this is a choice between the Church and your life, choose your life!”…
The final straw that drove Stuart to suicide was the intense distress he felt around the politics of California’s “Protection of Marriage” initiative, Proposition 22, for which the Mormon Church was perhaps the leading proponent. The time of his suicide–two weeks before the voters went to the polls–and the place of his suicide–the steps of a Mormon building in which he had worshiped for years–give a clear indication that he hoped his death would bring attention to the issues about which he felt so passionate and so helpless.
After all the reports of others, I was yearning to get a better glimpse into Stuart’s mind, and I found it on the website of Affirmation. Earlier in February, the month of his death, Stuart wrote a very long letter to a cousin who had asked Stuart to give him information and opinion for a paper he was writing on California’s “Protection of Marriage” proposal. There, along with a picture of this very handsome and endearing young man, were some impassioned personal and political statements, fragments of which I share here:
Feb, 2000
Clay,
At the outset, I’ll tell you that the events surrounding this initiative have been painfully difficult for me to endure. Last July, I read online that the Church had instructed the Bishops to read a letter imploring the members to give of their time and money to support this initiative…I cried for hours in my room, and I could do very little to console the grief of hearing this news.
Furthermore, I read that the Church had supported similar measures in Hawaii and in Alaska. In Alaska, the supporters of the measure had raised $600,000. Of this, $500,000 came from the Church. Ads were aired on television describing the downfall of the Roman Empire and placing blame on Rome’s tolerance of homosexuality. Its message was that a similar fate would occur to those who supported equality for gay Americans. Not only was this historical analysis completely fallacious, but this was a prejudicial ad designed to invoke a visceral reaction of fear and hate among the Alaskan citizens.
Apparently, the Church has raised $1 million in support of this [California] initiative. This is so disheartening because I feel that my own peers are attacking me….In July, I realized that I was going to have to endure viewing millions of dollars of television ads designed with one intention in mind: raise fear against gay and lesbian Californians. What’s worse is that this fear campaign has been orchestrated by my own friends.
My mom is completely distraught over the issue. She told me that she is scared to read the papers or watch TV. When her bishop read another pro-Knight letter last Sunday, she wanted to cry…. I have met with my bishop to discuss the matter. He too disagrees with the Church’s involvement in anti-gay politics. It’s very disheartening for him as well, but his concurrence still does nothing to ease my pain….
When anti-gay advocates use the term “traditional,” I always wonder what tradition and what time. Do we support early 19th century traditional marriages when married women had no legal standing, could not own property, sign contracts, or legally control any earned wages?…
The false dilemma is that either one is pro-homosexuality or pro-family. This, of course, is false. I am gay. I hate to sound redundant, but whether I remain celibate or find a partner, the net effect on families is zero.…
On the night of March 7th, many California couples will retire to their beds thrilled that they helped pass the…initiative. What they don’t realize is that in the next room, their son or daughter is lying in bed crying and could very well one day be a victim of society’s homophobia.…
Well, Clay, my fingers are blistered…. I apologize if my words were a bit strong….On a more upbeat note, good luck preparing for your mission. I’ll see you in the spring. Take care.
Whitmer, not the cousin Clay to whom he wrote the letter, but a man he met as both served Mormon missions in Italy. They later confessed to each other their homosexuality, remained best friends and tried to be a support to one another. Newsweek reported, “A few weeks [after Stuart’s suicide], anguished at his friend’s death and tormented by his own long-term depression, Whitmer put a gun to his own head.” Clay was a brilliant young man with both an MBA degree and a JD.
Another gay Mormon suicide created a triple tragedy. Brian (DJ) Thompson ended his life two weeks after Stuart did. He had served as a missionary in Seattle, had been president of the Utah Log Cabin Republicans, and had once traveled to Paris as an artist’s assistant. In his suicide note, DJ wrote, ‘It is unfortunate that the lives of good people such as Stuart Matis, Mathew Shepherd [victim of a hate crime in Wyoming], and many others go unnoticed, unappreciated, and undervalued in this country. Therefore, I believe that the end of my life will simply be the same….I see Proposition 22 as a last straw in my lifelong battle to see peace in the world I live in.’” (Carol Lynn Pearson, “I Would Really Rather Be Dead – Stuart Matis,” excerpt from No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons around Our Gay Loved Ones, posted on MormonsForMarriage.com, ca. March 2000)
3121:
Excerpts from Stuart Matis’s letter to his cousin:
“So, you want to have my opinions regarding the Knight Initiative? At the outset, I’ll tell you that the events surrounding this initiative have been painfully difficult for me to endure. Last July, I read online that the Church had instructed the Bishops to read a letter imploring the members to give of their time and money to support this initiative. I almost went into a panic attack. I cried for hours in my room, and I could do very little to console the grief of hearing this news.
Furthermore, I read that the Church had supported similar measures in Hawaii and in Alaska. In Alaska, the supporters of the measure had raised $600,000. Of this, $500,000 came from the Church. Ads were aired on television describing the downfall of the Roman Empire and placing blame on Rome’s tolerance of homosexuality. Its message was that a similar fate would occur to those who supported equality for gay Americans. Not only was this historical analysis completely fallacious, but this was a prejudicial ad designed to invoke a visceral reaction of fear and hate among the Alaskan citizens.
Apparently, the Church has raised $1 million in support of this initiative. This is so disheartening because I feel that my own peers are attacking me. Caesar’s Brutes comes to mind. In July, I realized that I was going to have to endure viewing millions of dollars of television ads designed with one intention in mind: raise fear against gay and lesbian Californians. What’s worse is that this fear campaign has been orchestrated by my own friends.
My mom is completely distraught over the issue. She told me that she is scared to read the papers or watch TV. When her bishop read another pro-Knight letter last Sunday, she wanted to cry. My gay friend, Clay (I met him on my mission), has implored me to never mention anything regarding Knight in his presence. It causes him too much pain. He almost asked that his name be taken off the Church records (indeed many have done just that). I was at a party several months ago with about fifteen gay men, and I mentioned to one that I was Mormon. Immediately, the room became deafeningly quiet. One guy looked at me and said, “Do you realize how hateful and destructive your Church is?” The expression “By your fruits ye shall know them” is common in the Church. Among gay men and women, the Church’s fruit is perceived as being hate. This is so unfortunate because many gay men and women become atheist as they are only presented with a God of hate.…
When anti-gay advocates use the term “traditional”, I always wonder what tradition and what time. Do we support early 19th century traditional marriages when married women had no legal standing, could not own property, sign contracts, or legally control any earned wages? When the minimum age of consent for sexual intercourse in most states was 10 years old and in Delaware seven? When some states allowed boys as young as 14 and girls as young as 12 to marry with parental consent? Or do we support mid-1900 traditional marriages when in 12 states a woman could still not make legal contracts? When it was illegal to sell contraceptives? When in 13 states interracial marriage was forbidden and punishable by prison? Or do we support 1977 marriages when no states outlawed rape in marriage? Or in 1990, when only 10 states outlawed rape in marriages? I also find it somewhat hypocritical for the Church to appeal to people’s emotions and use the “tradition” argument when it was on the receiving end of such abuse during its polygamy era. The Church more than anyone in this country should know how persecution feels.…
If there is anything consistent in any anti-gay debate, it is the superfluous use of platitudes and bumper sticker slogans. The debate in support of the Knight Initiative is no different. The slogan that is repeatedly used is that the Knight Initiative is needed to protect families (the Church uses “defend the institution of the family”).
I’m curious how exactly families will be defended. I will probably never know because the Church and other supporters never substantiate their argument. They leave the slogan to speak for itself. The problem is that it says nothing. Instead it relies on people’s fears to fill in the blanks.…
Ironically, the Church’s positions on homosexuality have actually been anti-family. Several decades ago it was church policy to advocate marriage as a cure for one’s homosexuality. This inevitably resulted in many broken marriages and families. The Church also postulated that men became gay because of a doting mother and an absent father. This inevitably cast blame on the grieving parents. The Church’s positions and outspoken frankness on this issue has nurtured a climate that is hostile for young gay Mormons. Kids have been thrown out of homes under the guise of Christian love. Brothers and sisters have broken off contact from their gay brother and sisters. I recently read the letter of a brother in Salt Lake City who had to send his son far away from home to a private high school because he was constantly tormented in his Salt Lake high schools and by his neighbors.…
The Church has no idea that as I type this letter, there are surely boys and girls on their calloused knees imploring God to free them from this pain. They hate themselves. They retire to bed with their finger pointed to their head in the form of a gun. Every waking moment of every day they must be on constant alert to not divulge any clues that will identify themselves to their peers. “Was my glance at that boy too long? Does he think I’m gay? Will he now publicize my secret and beat me up?” They are afraid of their parents. They are afraid of their bishop. They are afraid of their friends. They have nowhere to go but to lay on their floors curled in a ball and weep themselves to sleep.…
I would rather see the church ask its members to raise a million dollars for battered women’s shelters or for free marital counseling. Instead of asking its members to engage in neighborhood campaigning, the Church could ask all of its members to spend several Saturdays working with Habitat for Humanity building homes for low-income families. If the intent is to help families, why doesn’t the Church engage in a campaign to actually do something worthwhile for families?…” (Stuart Matis, letter to his cousin Ryan)
1674:
“’Our son’s death had no relationship to Prop. 22 whatsoever,’ said a woman who answered the phone at Matis’ home Wednesday but would not identify herself and refused further comment other than to add: ‘We feel invaded at a very private time of our life.’…
But Jeanie Mortensen-Bessamo, a Simi Valley Mormon who disagrees with her church’s advocacy of Prop. 22 and had been corresponding with Matis by e-mail, said in an e-mail Wednesday, ‘Stuart Matis was indeed a casualty of Prop. 22.’
Mortensen-Bessamo said she had spoken with Matis’ mother Tuesday night, and learned that ‘his suicide note spoke clearly of his struggle, particularly the last few months while watching the battle regarding Prop. 22.’
‘He hoped that his death would become a catalyst for fruitful education of the members and leaders of the LDS church regarding the homosexuality and the homophobia that exists in the church and society,’ wrote Mortensen-Bessamo. ‘His death was his final statement on the need for change.’” (Carol Ness, “Gay Mormon hoped suicide would help change church,” SFGate.com, March 2, 2000)
3122:
“Santa Clara police said a suicide note made no reference to either Matis’ Mormon faith or the controversy around Proposition 22, but ‘he felt there was a conflict between Christianity and the gay lifestyle,’ said Santa Clara Police Stg. Anton Morec. ‘He said he had been in pain for a number of years.’” (“Dan Egan and Michael Vigh, “Gay Mormon Kills Self on Church Steps,” Salt Lake Tribune, March 3, 2000, p. A11)
3123:
“His mother told The Associated Press that his death had nothing to do with Proposition 22.” (“Gay LDS man leaves suicide note behind. Mother says tragedy not related to California’s same-sex proposition,” Deseret News, March 3, 2000, p. B5)
[NOTE THE FOLLOWING, WRITTEN BY MARILYN MATIS IN THE BOOK IN QUIET DESPERATION:]
“During the last few months of Stuart’s life, voters in California were campaigning against same-gender marriages. The Church asked its members in California to assist in that campaign, and they were anxious to do what was asked of them. The problem came when some Church members, completely lacking in understanding the plight of a person with same-gender attraction, went beyond what was asked of them and became hostile and unkind in their remarks and attitude during church meetings.
As a result of the hostility of some of the Church members, Stuart began to have panic attacks at church meetings. He was terrified that someone would guess the secret that he had kept for twenty years. His bishop, realizing the pain Stuart was suffering, suggested to him that he refrain from attending church meetings until the election was over.” (Fred and Marilyn Matis, Ty Mansfield, In Quiet Desperation: Understanding the Challenge of Same-Gender Attraction (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2004), p. 17)
1810:
“To those of you who feel that my brother was no better than a murderer or an adulterer, I would like to say that the murder and adulterer choose to be what they are. My brother didn’t choose to be homosexual any more than you or I chose the color of our skin. Many who knew him say that he was one of the most Christlike people they had ever met. He was a son, brother, uncle, nephew, cousin and true friend.” (Bill Matis, Letter to the Editor, BYU Daily Universe, March 6, 2000)
727:
“On 9 March, D. J. Thompson, a former director of the Phoenix AZ Affirmation chapter committed suicide near Kingman, AZ. He left his suicide note on the Internet.… ‘I see Proposition 22 as a last straw in my lifelong battle to see peace in the world I live in.’” (David Combe compilation, March 9, 2000)
3133:
“The recent ruling by the Supreme Court to ban gay scout leaders is a travesty, the effects of which can not be completely understood.…
My brother [Stuart Matis] was an Eagle Scout and he was also gay.
One summer, when he was only 14, he cried every night for a week before scout camp because he was afraid someone would discover his secret and beat him up.…” (Bill Matis, “Let gays into the Boy Scouts,” letter to the editor, BYU NewsNet, July 18, 2000)
3158:
“I’m pretty much ‘out’ to family and friends, although am somewhat closeted at BYU to the extent that we basically ALL have to be closeted here.…” (Ryan Shattuck email, March 10, 2003) [NOTE THAT RYAN SHATTUCK IS STUART MATIS’ COUSIN.]
3228:
“[Marilyn] At the age of twelve [Stuart] was determined he was going to change, and for the next twenty years he went on this ‘I’m going to change, and if I’m perfect God will change me.’ He knew at the age of seven that he was attracted to little boys but didn’t understand his feelings until he went into the Young Men’s program and there he read the youth pamphlet. And it said, ‘Homosexuality is an abomination before God.’ And he thought, ‘I’m an abomination before God.’ And that’s when the self-loathing and hating came. But after Stuart’s death that pamphlet has now change, and it says, ‘The activity is a sin.’…
[Doug] What happened? What finally drove him?
[Marilyn] He had been suicidal for years. And that last year of his life, we knew that entire year it was a battle to keep him alive. And he came to us the week or a few days before he did take his life, and at that time he told us that he had the gun and that it was in a safe place and not to look for it, that he could get it when he received it. What pushed him over the top, actually, was Proposition 22.…
He had just tried so hard for twenty years to be perfect so God would change him. And the self-loathing and the self-hating just became more than he could handle. And he just said to me one time, ‘I cannot live hating myself. I cannot live like this.’ And he would just cry…” (Marilyn Matis, interviewed by Doug Wright on “Everyday Lives, Everyday Values,” KSL Radio, October 17, 2004)
3244:
“In the following letter, an Affirmation member describes his reaction to the first part of the book, written by the mother of gay Mormon suicide Stuart Matis.…
I particularly appreciated your cautious approach to so-called “reparative therapy,” and I agree with you that “until we have a definite understanding of what causes same-sex attraction, all therapy becomes a guessing game” (pg. 10). And yet your account leaves me angry and disturbed.…
Yet still your son committed suicide. Not only that–you received the impression, both through Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (pg. 40) and through a peaceful spiritual experience in the temple, that your son “would be all right” (pg. 18).
I don’t know what we are supposed to conclude from your account, except that it is fine for chaste gay Mormons to experience years of suffering and end up dead on the steps of a stake center.…
In one of the most troubling passages of your account, you say, “Although losing our son was difficult, it has been comforting to know that he was faithful to his temple covenants.” (pg. 20). As a gay Mormon, what am I supposed to conclude from this statement? That I should kill myself rather than be sexually active? Your statement resonates with a troubling, oft-quoted anecdote by Marion G. Romney. According to Elder Romney’s story, before leaving for his LDS mission, his father told him, “We would rather come to this station and take your body off the train in a casket than to have you come home unclean, having lost your virtue” (Conference Report, October 1952, pg. 34.).…
If the Church could even start to intimate that homosexuality is not a challenge, but a gift from God, they could help to end overnight the pandemic of gay suicides.…” (Jason Clark, “’In Quiet Desperation’: An Open Letter to Marilyn Matis,” www.affirmation.org, January 2005)
2730:
“In Quiet Desperation: Understanding the Challenge of Same Gender Attraction [was] written at the request of publisher Deseret Book.” (Carrie A. Moore, “Alone in the fold: Many LDS gays struggle to cling to faith despite their yearnings,” December 3, 2005)
1320:
“[Reed Cowan] From an emotional standpoint, the most impactful story [of ‘8: The Mormon Proposition’] was Stuart Matis, a young Mormon who was gay who strapped a note to himself saying ‘Do not resuscitate’ and blew his brains out on the steps of a Mormon church in California. That story has been out there, but what took my breath away was when I asked his parents years later to be interviewed for this film, after all of the damage of Proposition 8 and after knowing of their son’s suicide, the asserted to me in a voice-mail message that’s in the film, ‘We have no other position than what the position of the church is.’ Still they persisted in defending and supporting the church.” (Lesley Goldberg, “Focus on Proposition 8,” Advocate, June 17, 2010)
3931:
“Stuart’s death made me confront all of those stereotypes. Stuart was not flamboyant. He was not outlandish. He was not effeminate. He was not promiscuous. He was not a pedophile. Most certainly Stuart was never weak. In short, Stuart was NONE of the stereotypes that I held. He was a devout Latter Day Saint. He had a testimony. He was as clean cut as they come. He was a leader. He was one of those kids that did everything right. He was popular at school and a leader there as well. He went on to serve a mission in Italy, graduate from BYU and land a job at one of the big six consulting firms right out of college. He was an accomplished professional. I viewed him as an example of righteousness personified.…
My views about gays were wrong. It was not Stuart’s death that changed my mind about that. It was his life, it was who he was.…
Let me be clear about something. Stuart never acted on his homosexuality and he tried for decades to overcome it. He was stuck between two worlds: the world of a devout Latter Saint and the world of someone who is gay. Those worlds were incompatible. He could not be fully one or the other in good conscience and he was both. That incongruity tore him apart. So he decided to return to God whom he knew would not reject him.…” (Bruce Fey, “Stuart Matis: A Friend, An Example,” brucefey.blogspot.com, November 27, 2012)
1167:
“A good friend of mine in Nauvoo was college roommates with Stuart [Matis], and knew his parents as well. They reported to him that the book had to be fully vetted by members of the Twelve.
It was Mr. and Mrs. Matis who, based upon their meetings to discuss clearance of the book’s contents, reported that [Boyd] Packer was unexpectedly open and willing to learn from them, while [Thomas] Monson was terribly closed off and unfriendly over the subject.…” (Nick Literski to Joe Geisner, August 17, 2014)
4444:
“Still another gay Mormon suicide made this a triple tragedy. Brian (DJ) Thompson ended his life two weeks after Stuart did. He had served as a missionary in Seattle, had been president of the Utah Log Cabin Republicans, and had once traveled to Paris as an artist’s assistant. In his suicide note, DJ wrote, ‘It is unfortunate that the lives of good people such as Stuart Matis, Mathew Shephard [victim of a hate crime in Wyoming], and many others go unnoticed, unappreciated, and undervalued in this country. Therefore, I believe that the end of my life will simply be the same …. I see Proposition 22 as a last straw in my life-long battle to see peace in the world I live in.’”
(Carol Lynn Pearson, No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons around Our Gay Loved Ones (Walnut Creek, CA: Pivot Point Books, 2007)
INTERVIEWS
Rees: We moved into the Santa Cruz Stake. We had sold our house in Los Angeles. When we came back for Jenny and Anna’s weddings, because of the capital gains thing we had to find a place to live. We knew we didn’t want to live in Utah. Because I taught at UCLA and I used to go to UC Santa Cruz for faculty meetings and other things, we loved Santa Cruz. So we said, “Let’s go up there and look around.” So when we came home for the girls’ weddings, we went up and just happened to find and place and bought it, and then went back to Lithuania.
When we finished our mission, we had a home. We moved into the San Lorenzo Valley Ward, and I was immediately called into the stake mission presidency, and Ruth was started doing music.
But I continued to be concerned about and aware of the problem of gays in the Church. I had some gays who had been in my ward who had stayed in touch with me, and I had other people who knew about what I had done, who contacted me. One of them was Stuart Matis.
I got a call from somebody who knew Stuart—it may have been his bishop or his mother—and asked if I would see him. I said, “Sure, I’d be happy to.” My door was always open to gays. So he drove over from Los Altos, or wherever it was that he lived. In “Requiem for a Gay Mormon” I wrote about Stuart: “This is the best the Church produces.” He was an outstanding young man. As he opened up to me about his experience, we had several really good meetings. In those meetings he disclosed to me his feelings of suicide. I said, “Stuart, you’ve got to promise me that if those surface again, you’ll call me. Wherever I am, I’ll come and we’ll get together.” He said he would.
He told me that he had fallen in love with a man and was really, really conflicted about it. And he said his bishop had encouraged him to get into the relationship. That was really interesting to me. But he was very, very conflicted and didn’t know what he would do. I said, “Don’t take the ultimate route. This is something that we can continue to try and resolve.”
I went to Salt Lake and spoke at Family Fellowship. At Family Fellowship, I talked about him. I disguised his name; I called him John. I said, “I have met this young man in the Bay Area,” and I talked about him as an example of the quality of these people, but also of his being conflicted.
Prince: And this was during the run-up to Prop 22?
Rees: Yes. We talked about Prop 22. I can’t remember the exact sequence, but when I got home from speaking at Family Fellowship there was a message on my machine from Stuart’s mother, saying Stuart had taken his life. I didn’t realize at that moment how dramatically he had taken it, and what a statement he had made. You don’t go to the stake center, and at the front of the stake center put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger unless you are trying to say something really profound.
He and I had talked about this, and he was worried about younger gays. He was worried and didn’t know what to do. He had told me all of the things he had done to prove to God that he was worthy to be changed.
I spoke at Stuart’s funeral. But I also saw that as the ultimate price that he and the community paid for the Church’s involvement in Proposition 22, and I also saw how divisive it was within congregations and in families. There were families who felt that they should support Proposition 22 and the Church, instead of their gay child. So it caused all of that.
(Robert Rees, August 10, 2014)